Friday, May 31, 2013

Apartment Life

My kids and I are starting over. New life, tiny apartment, lots of trauma, lots of uncertainty, no more garden. It's easy for me to give up hope, to feel like I totally blew it and missed all that God had for me. I'm not meaning my house, or my marriage, or any of that. I didn't have a choice but to walk away there. I mean years ago, that I somehow messed up and now I am suffering the consequences. I think we all feel like that when we are walking through heartache and regret. The fact that my kids have suffered for my bad choices just makes the regret more painful.

Every day I lay it all down at the feet of Jesus, ask Him to forgive me and redeem us, and every day the devil or other people throw it all back at me. Or I just go pick it all back up myself. It's hard to just leave it there!! The past is passed though, and I can't change it. No matter how much I would love a time machine, that isn't possible! The thing is that even though I can't change the past GOD can redeem it. Even though I have made many mistakes, that have led to much pain, God WILL redeem it all. He is in the redemption business, and He is good at it. He can even redeem wasted time. I'm making a decision today to leave it all at the Cross, no more regrets.

I am not sure what the rest of my story looks like right now. I just have to trust that it is a GOOD story. I have to remember Romans 8:28, and that I love God and am called according to His purpose, so I qualify for Him to work all this out for my GOOD! I look at the folks in the Bible, none of them had it all together, but God still used them. God still blessed them and pulled them out of the mud they were drowning in. David messed up, Moses messed up, Abraham messed up, Peter messed up. God still used them, and turned their mistakes around for their good.

Philippians 4:12-13 says,  I know how to be abased and live humbly in straitened circumstances, and I know also how to enjoy plenty and live in abundance. I have learned in any and all circumstances the secret of facing every situation, whether well-fed or going hungry, having a sufficiency and enough to spare or going without and being in want. I have strength for all things in Christ Who empowers me [I am ready for anything and equal to anything through Him Who infuses inner strength into me; I am self-sufficient in Christ’s sufficiency].

I've had lots of people say to me that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, or that I may not see it now but God is making me stronger. I don't like hearing that, I'd rather not have to be stronger, but I guess it is true. Not that I am any stronger, but that God is stronger in me. Less of me, more of Him, that's real strength. I am thankful that God has sent people along the way to slap sense into me instead of leaving me listening to hopeless lies. I am grateful that nothing is beyond God's grace. I am thankful that no matter what people may think about us, God still loves us and accepts us with open arms. I am thankful that even if I never see the things I hoped for in this life I have hope in Jesus, and that is more than enough. His plans are much better than mine ever were anyway!

I also know that I am blessed already, with three amazing kids that make me smile every single day. God loves my kids even more than I do! I pray God will always show me how to do what is best for them, and then give me the strength to do it. I want another house for them, out in the country with a big yard to play in and another garden. But whatever God wants for us is fine with me. I have to wait to try to buy another house for legal reasons, but if it is God's plan nothing will stop it! Waiting in this apartment is hard though, I won't lie.

Whether abased or abounding..... His grace is enough for me.